Issue #2: Good Cumi vs Bad Cumi
"You know when you’ve stepped across the line into evil, and it’s your life’s challenge to try and stay on the right side of that line.” ― Suzanne Collins
It is 2 A.M. and for some reason1, I cannot sleep. Am I doing something productive like working or studying? Nope. Instead, I am thinking about odd stuff like when Rebecca Stead said, “Who's the real you? the person who did something awful or the one who's horrified by the awful thing you did? Is one part of you allowed to forgive the other?”
Five or so weeks ago, something happened at my house that I have been unable to forget. My friend, R., was there when the event took place, and I am certain she has forgotten all about it by now, as most people would not see it as ‘that deep’. An artisan came over to fix something and without thinking, I made a comment I consider insensitive about the situation to R. Although I apologised to the artisan, this event has stayed etched somewhere in my mind. I have wondered incessantly about whether the person I truly am is the person who made the statement or the person who felt horrible few minutes after for having made the statement.
There is something absolutely rattling about doing a thing you know is completely out of character for you. It's like "Yeah, I know it's not that serious, but the me I know shouldn't have done x." The subtle disappointment in oneself. The wish that you could take it back. The feeling that you have betrayed a part of yourself.
My answer to Rebecca Stead’s question is that I do not think there needs to be a delineation between both. Both are you. We are all capable of wrongdoing, of insensitivity, of actions that would shock us to our core. As Robert Louis Stevenson said, “In each of us, two natures are at war – the good and the evil. All our lives the fight goes on between them, and one of them must conquer. But in our own hands lies the power to choose – what we want most to be we are.”
Good me vs Bad me, who is the real me? It is not really about choosing sides, is it? I think it is about acknowledging that both exist within me. That a moment of thoughtlessness does not define me, but it is a part of me. In the last five weeks, I have found myself more conscious of my words. More aware that each moment, I actively choose the person I want to be.
The time is now 4:19 A.M. I still cannot sleep. But maybe it is not such a bad thing after all.
I actually do know the reason. I slept earlier in the evening yesterday.
You might enjoy listening to:
Ludacris ft. Mary J. Blige - Runaway Love
LÉON - Body
Anendlessocean - Be